I dream sometimes of one of my lovers, the ex-cop. I remember feeling weak-kneed after sex, like my entire body had had a massage inside and out. I dream also of Eric, the lover who came before the ex-cop, thinking about the afternoon in a hotel room when I re-discovered sex. I had three orgasms that day after years of having none. I was thinking that maybe my relationship with the Far-Away-Boy wasn’t so great simply because the sex didn’t measure up to those two lovers.
But then I realized something. I did go out with a few people during the period between separating from my husband and falling in love with the F-A-B. The only ones I dream about having sex with are…..the illegitimate ones. The two, the ex-cop and Eric, who I wasn’t supposed to be seeing because I still hadn’t moved out yet. Part of it was good sex after a long, dry spell, but part of it was because I wasn’t supposed to be seeing them. There was a short period of about a month that I was moved out and free and saw the ex-cop a few times. It was still wonderful sex with him, but it might very well have puttered out on its own if I hadn’t cut it short because I was falling in love for real with someone else.
There is something, then, about sex that is more enticing when the person represents a fantasy and not reality. There is also something that is inherently less exciting about making love with a partner.
However, the sex is better with my partner in some ways because I have more confidence. We make love; love is created, shared, practiced, built, grown. Sex is merely an extension of our love. It is warm. It is real, while the sex I sometimes fantasize about was fake. I know the difference between real love and fake sex, but sometimes my fantasies run away with me.