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After being gone for two weeks to see my family, my former state of utter confusion is a bit better.  It will start again, I’m sure, but here are the things that are improved:

  1. I saw my ex-husband the first night back.  He asked me to pick up a few things for him that were more readily available in my home country than here, and we met last night so I could give them to him. (He was passing my area after a hike in the mountains). It was nice to see him, and I realize that he wants to keep me in his life as much as I want to keep him in mine. He asked me to go climbing with him again, and I don’t think it was entirely selfish, but because he likes climbing with me.  I don’t mind that at all.  We also talked briefly about the divorce, and we’ll try in September I guess. It’s incredibly expensive to go through a lawyer, so I think we’ll use an online service. I’ll ask around with friends and whatever and see if that seems reasonable, but if it is, then that’s what we’ll do.
  2. I feel nothing but friendship for my ex-cop.  I texted him during the World Cup, about matches and how our country was doing. It was fun.  So he’s become a texting friend that I used to sleep with and have certain things in common. I still remember making love to him and how wonderful that was for so many reasons, but the romantic feelings I had for him are slowly fading.  It would never have been a relationship anyway, since he doesn’t want a girlfriend really. I also recognize that for however much he did not want a relationship, he also had feelings for me, too.  When I told him that I’d met the Far-Away-Boy, he was visibly upset, but also very kind and understanding. He really cares for me, and I for him. I’m ready to just appreciate whatever sort of relationship that we have together.
  3. I’m totally in love with the F-A-B.  Still.  Since October.  I don’t know why he loves me so much, but he does and it’s wonderful. I am ready to just let myself go. I was willing before, I think, but there was so much other confusion in my head that it wasn’t cleared out enough in that brain of mine to let anything in.

So reset, and fall in love.

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