Today I went climbing with my husband, AKA my “ex-“. He and I have hung out a couple of times in the last two months and it’s been, well, nice.
Today was “nice”, too, but so incredibly sad. He paid me a compliment on my climbing. I think I haven’t heard a complement from him in anything I’ve done in the last fifteen years. When we’ve climbed together, if there was a compliment to be given, it was me for him (I know he likes it and he climbs better when I encourage him). He would also have compliments for some other climber on the cliff, as in “Did you see her/him in that overhang? Wow, is she/he strong…” etc.
But never for me. Not once. Nothing I did. If I cooked a special meal, or got dressed up to go out for dinner, or fixed something in the house… and it was one of the things that made me want to leave. I’d felt so abandoned and sad. He never noticed me outside of doing things for him. He never wanted to be with me. He never wanted to do anything new with me, even a new climbing spot. I know that he was depressed. It hurt so much, though.
And now I’m sitting here, looking out the window and typing, and crying. I could have stayed with him, maybe, if he would have continued to notice me. I don’t know how the sex thing would have worked, since that’s one of the main reasons I gave up on us, but maybe we would have continued to make love, maybe we could have worked things out. It wouldn’t have taken much, I don’t think. Just one kind word.