Here’s the thing. When I decided I wanted to stay with my husband, I got on an internet dating site (for married women) thinking that if I could find a lover and satisfy myself sexually with someone, we might be able to stay together. The sex had just dried up. There were other problems in our marriage that accompanied that. I mean, all couples have issues after twenty years, but that was the thing that set it off.
What I didn’t count on, at the time, was two things; one, my desire for sex had been stifled for so long that it took over my entire being for a while and two, that I wasn’t able to control myself. My first lover was a revelation, but I was able to recognize pretty quickly how egotistical he was, and I was afraid of getting attached. So I searched for second one and wound up meeting my ex-cop. Him, I wanted to spend the night with. That lead me to need to lie in order to see him, and I couldn’t bear it. It made me ill.
Now, months later, I’ve met a man that I love profoundly, but I still need my ex-cop. I need him to think well of me, and to be my friend. We would never, ever have been able to be a “real” relationship together. For one thing, he likes his freedom and I don’t ever, ever try to change people. He works in summer when I have time off. He doesn’t do the activities that I like doing, and I’m not such a fan of his pastimes, either. We have almost nothing in common.
But he was so relentlessly good to me. I was disappearing from stress and not eating enough or properly. He would feed me, listen to me, support me, hug me, make love to me. When I moved out of my husband’s house, he was there to help me move. When I hit a low, low place and needed a friend, he met with me and let me just get it out of my system.
I saw him yesterday, and it was so nice. I don’t want to be with him in any other way, but it’s important to me that he’s still in my life.
Here’s what’s so odd. I love him very much, even though I know that it would never have been possible to have a relationship with him, one that I’d want in any case. It doesn’t matter. I need him but I don’t need to be with him. It’s just the strangest thing. I don’t know how that can be called love, but it is. I never knew that I could love someone so much, and not want anything more than for them to be well, and to think well of me.
It’s beautiful to think of love in all its forms.