Today I talked to (or texted) four men I love.
In order, first was my husband, from whom I am separated. I asked if he wanted to have dinner with me next week. As long as we are talking, I hope that the next steps will be peaceable. His voice was rough, but he said he didn’t have a cold. He sounded sad.
I talked to my father later. He’s losing short term memory so the conversations go around and around sometimes. He’s well, though. Doing pretty damn good for a 90 year old.
Then I talked to the Far-Away-Boy, who I missed so much today. I didn’t sleep well last night and was overtired and wanted him terribly. I’ll go to his place this weekend, but it’s going to be hard to deal with so many days away from home. I just spent Friday to Wednesday living out of a suitcase, and I move back into one the day after tomorrow. Alas, that’s the facts of F-A-B.
I also talked to Mr. Wonderful, who I’d dated briefly. We’re hoping to climb together next week. I like him a lot, and if he’d wanted a relationship, I would have tried to make something go with him. But he didn’t and we moved on.
I also texted my ex-cop. We’re having coffee Friday morning. I didn’t want to go to his place because I don’t think I could trust myself. I would like to be friends with him if possible. But it may not be possible. I was very attached to him and our thing, whatever you want to call what we had, wasn’t fully over when I ended it to be with F-A-B. So there are leftover feelings there that I’m not so clear about. But that’s one of the reasons I want to see him. Fit my imagination with the real person and see if I was imagining it all. And if I wasn’t imagining it, try to rework our friendship without sex.
Just because I am no longer with someone does not mean that I don’t still love them. Love isn’t like a faucet. It can’t just be turned off. It just keeps going, even if we don’t see the flow anymore.