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I finally have an appointment to see my ex-cop, for coffee, next week.  When I started up with my Far-Away-Boy, I stopped everything with him.  I needed to, since I needed to make space in order for things to work, and seeing the ex-cop was mostly about having sex. He was the catalyst in my separation, the one who reassured me that wanting sex in a relationship was normal, and then reminded me of what great sex felt like.

But he was also someone who made me eat when I was losing so much weight from stress and sadness. He listened to me and supported me. And in his own way, with his own limits, he loved me and I loved him.

That said, we would not have made a good or happy couple. Partly because his life is made up of his sons and their hockey careers, and I would never have earned much of a place in that hierarchy. He feels like he failed them during his divorce, and wants to make up for it. His divorce was nasty, and he was cut out of his son’s lives for a while.  He was also a cop, so his job took up a major part of his time, time that he couldn’t spend with his sons even if he’d wanted to.

He loves them and in addition, he’s become their most ardent fan. His oldest is now training with the national team and has a new contract with a better pro team and more money, and the youngest just won the under 21 championship with his team.  My ex-cop watches every match.

But I miss him.  Love doesn’t just stop for one person because you fall in love with someone else.  I really care about him, and want to see if we can re-work our relationship to be friends.  I like him and I trust him. We gave each other a lot of pleasure for several months, and when I think of him, I remember the happy, pleasurable sensation of seeing someone who wanted nothing but good things for me, even though he didn’t want a full-time relationship. He was always dead honest with me about that, and everything else.

So coffee next week.  I’ll tell the F-A-B that I’m doing that, as well.  I don’t want secrets. I don’t want to start up again with the ex-cop, but I would like to keep him in my life as a friend, if he’s willing.

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