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I’ve been reading my journal from last year.

Last year at this time, I was still with my husband, contemplating looking for sex with someone. I’d gone on an internet site for married women.  It had been so strong, my desire for sex.  I’d forgotten what it felt like to be desired.

I was going to title this “so far from what used to be home” but that was part of the problem.  We moved into my husband’s parent’s house five years ago and he never would let me change anything.  It was fine and all, but not my home.  When I left, it didn’t feel sad because I was never really there.

This is my home now, this apartment I’ve bought in this ski area far from my old life and just barely a commutable distance from my work.

And my home is also now on the far side of my small country, where someone lives who I love more than I ever would have imagined.  My Far-Away-Boy.

I just keep wondering if my karma is up for all this.  I did something bad; I cheated on my husband.  I did something good, though, too, and didn’t tell him about it, which just would have made me feel better but would have hurt him profoundly.  And I did meet my new love after I left my husband.

I don’t know if I “deserve” to be this happy.  Maybe I do?  I mean, my childhood was pretty terrible.  Do I deserve to have two homes where I feel safe and loved, after having lived with violence for most of the time I was growing up?  I don’t know, but I’m so lucky that I keep wondering if it will all go away some day.  I hope I have a bit more time like this, if it has to go.  I hope I get to have a few months of this real, intense happiness that I’ve never felt before in my whole life.

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