The Don’t Tells

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Last night I dreamed that I’d killed someone and hidden the body, successfully.  I was going on with my life and no one would ever know what I’d done. I felt happy for something in the dream, a normal day to day happiness with the sun shining and things going well, and I realized that for the rest of my life, I would always feel my happiness was tenuous, that I didn’t deserve it, that it could rightfully be taken away because I’d killed someone and gotten away with it. But it was just a dream.

I’ve had sort of dream before, during another break-up.  I moved far away from where I lived to a new city by the mountains in the US.  I had repeated nightmares that I’d murdered someone and forgotten about it. There is a theory that every person in your dream is some part of yourself, so my interpretation was that I was killing a part of me (my old life, with my old acquaintances and friends).

Now I have a new situation.  I’m separated from my husband, and I’ve fallen in love with someone else. On top of just the changes in my life, I also have incredible guilt for leaving my husband, and for cheating on him while we were still together.  So part of my dream could just be the same as before.  I’m killing a bit of myself. But another aspect of my dream is that I felt that I could never deserve to be happy again because I’d killed someone. I think that’s the guilt of cheating, on top of the murder (which is likely to be the same thing; me killing off a part of my old life).

I wonder if I’d feel better if I told my husband why I needed to leave so badly, that the guilt of cheating made me ache in ways that I never knew I could hurt. But while it would probably make me feel better, I don’t think it would make him feel better.  That was my deal with myself. I could do what I did, but I had to swallow it, no confessing and making my partner hurt because I was dishonest. I just have to live with it.  Do it but don’t tell.  So I won’t.  It’s my fault.  I have to live with it.

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