Funny how in the language of love, French, if you say « je t’aime » it’s heavy with meaning. It’s Love with a big L. But if you see « je t’aime beaucoup » it’s lighter. It’s « I like you a lot ». Makes no sense.
FAB (Far-Away-Boy) says « je t’aime, mon amour » and I melt. I become weak-kneed and butterflies jump around in my stomach, but I’m so scared. It’s too good to be true. I want to know the catch. Why me ? How did he decide to love me, if indeed he does ? When will it stop ? Will it stop ? Will he find out about me (whatever that means, that’s me having no confidence in myself.) But what if my normal-ness isn’t enough for him ? He seems to think that I’m fascinating, and I’m scared that he’ll find out that I’m just me. But maybe he already knows that ?
We spent a great weekend together, skiing two days in a row, sex at night, and lots and lots of hugs and caresses and holding hands. I feel like a kid.
Why I feel so nervous I don’t know. I’ve mostly had good luck since my separation. My ex-cop might be part of it. I had to hold myself back from the natural emotions that come when you like someone and are intimate with them. I wasn’t supposed to love him, so I held love in check. I guess that’s damaging in the long run, if you want to be in love someday. I didn’t know that. I thought I was just being an adult. A grown-up. Handling my emotions. But maybe I was just stunting them, and FAB has come along to show me that love can exist, and that there’s nothing wrong with that.
That’s also just him. He does long-term relationships. That’s what he knows, and when his last one fell apart, he wants to replace it. Maybe I do, too. Maybe we really are a good match. Maybe it will work.