I did it. I said good-bye to my ex-cop. I can’t see him without wanting to go to bed with him, but I hope that I can manage to be friends with him some day. He’s been good to me, and for me : honest, supportive, kind. He’s the guy who helped me move, and the guy who helped me understand that I wasn’t crazy or asking too much because I wanted intimacy in my life. I care about him deeply, and that won’t change. So it’s good-by « for now » because I have to get over wanting to throw him into bed in order to be friends with him. I’ll leave it until Christmas, maybe call him over the holidays. That’s over a month from now.
I think he was sad. I think he liked me an awful lot, but not enough to go against his principles and start a real relationship with me. I think he might also be partly relieved, to be free of the risk of me falling in love with him, or maybe even vise versa, although that’s probably giving me too much credit.
But after talking with him, it was too late for me to go back to my rented room, and I was exhausted. So I spent the night in his bed, with his arms around me, or mine around him. I wanted him so badly but I had to know if I could say no. I could and did, although I did spend one of the worst nights I’ve had in a long time, and I’ve been crying off and on all day. It was hard to say good-bye. It was the right thing to do, but I’ll miss him terribly.
But my ducks are all in a row, and I can be with Far-Away-Boy. The only way that can work is if he can trust me.