The hurt that I’ve been feeling so much lately is abating, a little. There are many things that I’ve done, and am doing, right.
For one, I’ve started seeing a therapist, and it’s helpful. I get to go let loose and cry for an hour. I let myself go. I allow myself to whine, but only there. Otherwise, I keep my chin up and get things done. But I get to be angry with my ex- there, wishing he’d made more of an effort to keep me, to try to make it work. I wish that we’d been able to continue to be intimate together. That would have saved us.
Two, I’m letting myself feel a little for my far-away-guy. Not letting myself go, but letting him enter a bit. I truly believe that he’s a good person, and that he’s worth getting to know. And then we get to see how we are together, and how on earth this could work. It may not. But the result is that I’m not wanting to see my lovers so much. Mr. Vertically Challenged I will let go. I think he’s found someone else, maybe. We were supposed to hang out this week-end, arranged a long time ago, but he’s canceled. I would like to talk to him about it, but I don’t want to see him anymore. My first lover, Eric, has contacted me, but I don’t really want to see him. Mr. Wonderful is still my friend, but I don’t want to sleep with him anymore. I’m still attached to my ex-cop, but the only way a long-term relationship can work is if you can trust the other person. I’m starting to want someone to trust, and to become trustworthy myself. But I’d like to see him one last time, or at least talk on the phone and say good-bye. He’s been really good to me, and he deserves a final word.
Three, I’m seeing my girlfriends more, or have called them. I’m trying to keep in touch and make sure I have a network of people who are around and who I can do things with. This weekend, since vertically challenged canceled, I’m going to hang out with a much older woman who does me good; she’s natural and kind, and I think it would be nice to get to know her better. I’m also going to see the widow of my friend who died a two weeks ago. We’re going to hike with another girlfriend.
Four, I’m taking better care of myself again. More food, more sleep, and trying to organize time to relax and do nothing. It drives me crazy to need to do that, but it’s necessary.
And that black hurt that I was feeling most of the time is slowly letting up. I don’t feel good, I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m doing better.