Attachment

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My far-away-guy is taking up more and more space in my head.

I had my wallet stolen Wednesday, I guess. I didn’t notice it missing until the next day. But while it’s stressful and a lot of time and money wasted, thinking of him puts me in a good mood. I don’t know him hardly at all and I’m wondering how on earth this could possibly work. But I don’t care. He could be someone worth hanging onto.

I’m not at all ready for that, but the right guy may not always come along when you’re « ready », and I don’t want to miss out on him. So I just tell him over and over again to be patient, and that if he can be, then we might be able to create something together. I don’t know how, but I also would never have imagined that I would be living in the mountains and separated from my husband only one year ago. The things you can’t imagine happening can come faster than you think.

I’m not being faithful to him (yet), which helps me think that I’m not too far gone. I saw my ex-cop yesterday, partly because I wanted to but partly because it’s his birthday next week. You don’t stop seeing someone who’s been nothing but good to you on their birthday. I had a small gift for him, offering him yoga classes. He was pleased, I think, really. I offered him an intro to two sorts of classes : hatha and ashtanga (the latter I do myself). I don’t know which sort would please him : the meditative, relaxing aspect of hatha or the sporty, physical aspect of ashtanga.

We made love twice. Sex with him is this needy, grabbing thing that I adore. We want each other so much when we’re together. I gave him a long massage afterwards. He’s full of knots and can’t seem to get a good night’s sleep. I don’t know where his stress comes from, since he’s not working at the moment. He can’t seem to reorganize his head in a way to be happy with the life that he has. It’s partly from his life as a cop, he says, from when he did shift work and never got enough sleep, and only saw the worst of humanity. Apparently he took sleeping pills for years. But now he doesn’t know how to live. Having stuff to do annoys him. I’ve got a hundred more things on my plate and a recent separation to wade through, and he’s the one who feels stressed.

Maybe the yoga will help, who knows. If he can learn to breathe, to be more conscious of his life, maybe he can learn to sleep again. I know that it has to come from him, and that no amount of advice is going to have much effect.

This morning he looked just wiped out : an old man staring out of pockets for eyes, and I got the feeling that he’s in my life for good, even if I fall in love with the far-away-guy. I’d like him to stay a friend. I’d like to be there for him like he’s been there for me. I don’t think I’m in love with him anymore ; I’ve been getting to know him too well (that’s always a killer). And he works when I have vacations. But I do care for him a lot. I want him to be happy, maybe with a girlfriend, or someone to love who might help him live better.

My far-away-guy is in my head tonight….we just chatted some. I don’t want him here with me, really. I want to spend time, weeks and maybe months, getting to know him slowly. I think that seeing my ex-cop is something that he would hate, but he doesn’t ask that sort of thing. It’s too soon for me to be exclusively with one person. I’m not ready and it would just be a thing to make the whole thing blow up.

It will come though, the desire to be faithful, and we’ll see what that brings. I’m starting to become attached.

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