I wrote a post about a man I could fall in love with. I really could, now that I know him a bit better. There’s everything to love : values, humor, kindness, and the fact that he thinks he’s in love with me, which goes a long way toward liking someone. (I say « he thinks » because for the moment, he doesn’t really know me. I don’t really know him, either.) He’s also an alpinist, climber, traveler, someone who is interested in other cultures. He spoke some Nepalese at some point, he’d spent so much time there. We compared, and we take the same sorts of photos when we travel.
We spent the weekend together. I woke up much earlier than I wanted to, in order to have some time to climb and hang out on Saturday. He really does live a long way away It’s five hours by train. He took me up to a climbing spot above a lake. It was beautiful and warm, and it was definitely the day to climb in his region and not mine, where it was already raining.
I was treated like a princess but didn’t really put up with it. Better for him to know that I don’t need or want to be taken care of. (I did let him cook for me and take care of the dishes! But I’ll do the same for him when/if he visits.) I lead climbed, which is usual for me, and he was a bit surprised that I started up a cliff before him. It was my only chance to on-sight, so it was only fair I think. I climbed well yesterday, partly from not having time to all this week. I was in need !
He’s able to talk intelligently about a whole lot of subjects that interest me, as well. We had enough time to chat about a whole lot of everything. But it’s hard to know how much of this is because he wants to have romantic feelings for me. Maybe he’s a harder person, normally ? But I saw him with his oldest daughter. I was brought for approval, I think. She’s lovely and I could see how close they are, and he didn’t seem to be much different with her than he was with me. So maybe he really is just as beautiful a person as I think he is.
We did make love. It wasn’t great, physically, for me. A bit too sweet, a bit too nice. It could be worked on, I think. It’s very sensual, very soft, but not very sexy. I won’t dream about sex with him, but I’ll dream about his caresses, his kisses. He wants to touch me all the time and I’m not used to it, but I find it enjoyable. His body is beautiful, and he’s got a very nice, odd sort of face. He has beautiful eyes.
Knowing him helps me define a bit more easily what I want, and what I need at the moment. But it also opens up the question, what do I do with the guys that I’m currently involved with ?
In the winner catagory for sex was Mr. Wonderful, but we’re no longer seeing each other. We will go climbing next weekend, however, and it might be something that’s in the cards. I will see. If I feel like I’m cheating on my Far-away-guy, then nothing will happen. It will be natural not to want to do something that might hurt his feelings. But it is not something that is currently happening so I don’t need to take any actions. I might tell him that he’s an idiot for not wanting to be with me when he had the chance, but there’s probably no reason for that.
The best current lover is my ex-cop. It’s good because it’s just good, but also because I’ve been a bit in love with him. That also could change if I find that things flow with my Far-away-guy.
But I will see him Thursday. His birthday is coming up and I have a gift for him. And I need to see how he feels about me at the moment. He’s been very, very sure that he doesn’t want me to fall in love with him, but he does all sorts of nice, boyfriend-y kinds of things. So he’s confused, I guess. I know that he likes me a lot (he’s said so). Long term, though, he works in the summer when I have my long vacations and want to do things, and he’s never made it a priority to see me. But I have heart-wringing orgasms with him. I don’t really know why it’s so good, and why it’s kept getting better and better. In my opinion, it’s because we’re slowly starting to trust each other. I don’t want to break that trust, but he’s also been very careful not to offer me anything more.
And my vertically challenged lover. There are some things that are very good with him. The sex is mostly satisfying, but I don’t like his body as much (sad to say, but that counts somewhat). I also have to sort of search for things to say to him, partly because he’s not a great talker, but I also have a suspicion that he’s not as smart as I am. But he’s not unintelligent, and he’s kind, and can be really silly sometimes which is fun.
I would not like to hurt his feelings, but I don’t know what he feels for me. If he feels anything for me. (Actually I’m sure he does have feelings, but I’m rationalizing that he wouldn’t be so hurt if I decided to be faithful to my Far-Away-Guy. He would be, I think. I hate that, even though there’s never been a hint of a discussion about being together, or what might happen in the future.)
And I’ve been dating a nice man who lives nearer to me. We’ve been to dinner twice and enjoyed each other’s company a lot. There’s nothing happening there, physically, but he’s a really decent person. We don’t have a ton in common, but he’s a worthwhile person, too. But I will let him off the hook as soon as possible.
Here’s what I should do about the lovers, I think :
1) I will have to say something to my vertically challenged lover. It can wait, but I shouldn’t sleep with him again if I’m starting to have real feelings for someone else. It’s true, though, that while I’ve enjoyed my time with him, I have often felt sad, or wanted to be with someone else. It’s telling. I guess I’ve been seeing him to fill up my time, and because the sex has been good. If I let it go further, I will be playing with him, and he doesn’t deserve that. I could imagine spending more time with him, if Far-Away-Guy wasn’t in the picture. But I shouldn’t just play with someone because I can.
2) I will keep seeing my ex-cop for the moment. This is for two reasons :
First, it should act as a balance with Far-Away-Guy. I won’t let myself fall in love too quickly if I feel that I’m not dependant on him. I do need time to digest the failure of my marriage, and work out my new relationship with my ex-. I can’t just remove one person from my heart and fit in another. And seeing my ex-cop should allow me to enjoy my freedom for a bit. It would be much more reasonable to spend a period of time being « free » before letting myself try to start something long term with someone else.
And second, he does me good, both as a friend and for the great sex. He’s been there for me, a good listener and always supporting me. I have the feeling with him that somehow we’ll wind up being crotchetly old farts together, at least as friends. But one thing is sure, he’s in my heart and my life, and even if he’s never promised me anything, I know that he’s got me under his skin, too. We have mostly seen each other weekdays, so for the moment, it can continue without having any incidence on what’s going on with Far-Away-Guy.
The only thing I’m worried about is that if he’s starting to trust me, that I might break his trust by deciding to be with someone else. But he’s been very clear about the distance that he wants to keep with me, and so I technically can’t be in a position of hurting him.
I think I will try to be quiet for a while, in my head. I will try to live in the moment. I will try to make sure that I don’t skip meals, and make enough time to do my job correctly, and get enough sleep. And I will let myself feel whatever I want to feel for my Far-Away-Guy, however it happens and however it comes to me. And I will try not to hurt anyone else in the process.