Sense and Sensibility

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(Definition from Cambridge online dictionary)

Sense: an ability to understand, recognize, value, or react to something, especially any of the five physical abilities to see, hear, smell, taste, and feel

Sensibility: an understanding of or ability to decide about what is good or valuable, especially in connection with artistic or social activities.

I am trying to use my senses, my ability to understand, recognize, value, or react to something in order to decide what is good or valuable.

There are things that I know that I want: 1) sexual pleasure after years of lack 2) respect from my my friends and partner(s) 3) to be with people who help me grow (friends and or boyfriends)….. I can use this as a base to develop more clearly what will be good for me in the long run, knowing full well that I need to take my time before lunging into another relationship.

I spent nearly three hours total on the phone today with my friend, my sister, and my father.  This is a good thing.  I took the time to chat, to talk to people who give me their love and support.  I also went to an activity in my new village in order to make friends here and get to know people. So the day was well spent.

I will go see the man who lives four hours away next weekend.  There is no reason not to.  My rebuilding of my apartment is on hold for the moment, and there is little I can do to it until the person I hired can come back to finish, nearly three weeks away.  I also have an “easy” week at school, which won’t be easy at all, but everything is already prepared and so there is less to do than usual.

I saw my vertically challenged man this weekend, and it was nicer.  I’m beginning to understand his silences.  He is not the man for me long term.  He doesn’t make me laugh, or challenge me.  What he does do, which is very nice, is not baby me.  We walked a place which was potentially dangerous, snow on a slope that a wrong step could have been fatal, and I truly appreciated that he let me do my thing.  I made it up, more slowly than him (but he does run ultra-marathons, so that’s normal) but he wasn’t hand holding.  I liked that. He also helped me put together my IKEA couches which were delivered Friday.  I bought him dinner in exchange.  So he’s another in the box of nice people who help me, like my ex-cop…..

…..who I will see tomorrow.

I will use my sense and sensibility to try to simplify my life in the next few months.  Maybe by New Year’s, I can let myself trust one person to be the only one for me, at least for a little while.


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