Loneliness

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I almost thought that my aunt and uncle would be free to travel with me next summer.  They’re going to Iceland.  Unfortunately, they’ve already booked their tickets and it’s when I’m working.  As a schoolteacher, I can’t really take time off when I want, and I already get enormous vacations.

I was really sad.  I cried a bit, because it would have been a plan, something to look forward to doing for my fiftieth birthday.  I think I hate that more than anything about the separation; the inability to make plans for the future.  I can, of course, but I have to plan alone.  There’s only one thing I like to do alone on a long vacation: trekking.

My plan before leaving my husband was to go to South America for my fiftieth next summer, do the Inca Trail, learn some Spanish, visit friends in Santiago de Chile, Bogota. And I can plan that on my own, so maybe I will. It was partly because my husband wouldn’t go with me and I’d have some freedom.  I don’t need that so much now!  He’ll travel in Europe, even by airplane, even long trips, but not because I want to do something. (One of the many reasons that I left). Since it was never a goal to do that trip with him, there’s no reason not to go. It just seems like a lot to organize for me, though, at the moment, what with the move and the separation and everything.

I guess the thing is that I’m lonely. I’ve been living with someone for nearly 20 years. I’m not used to being on my own all the time, although most of the time it’s lovely.  It’s just the vacations, the desire to want to go away with someone, to have time to hang out.

I’d do that in a second with my ex-cop, but he’s not interested, or is afraid of getting to close to me, or that I’d get too close to him. I’d do that with Mr. Wonderful, but he either has his kids or works the school vacations. It might be an option later on down the line.  I mean, kids grow up. And I think I shouldn’t be in a hurry with him. He might be someone to wait for.  I should live out my craziness fully before I fix on any one person, but he might be there in the end. Who knows. For the moment, I keep trying…..

I have a date tomorrow with someone who I’ve liked chatting with.  He seems to have values that I respect, and has a real job. We’ll meet and see how it goes.

And my vertically challenged man is coming this weekend. He’s coming for sex, of course, but also offered to help me put back together my apartment after the worker lays my new wood flooring in the bedroom. I’m also having two hide-a-beds delivered Friday, and will need help putting them together. It’s nice of him to offer, and might give us a chance to get to know each other better. He’s so quiet when we’re together, and only interested in sex when we text, I don’t know whether to take him seriously or not. For the moment, not at all. Maybe after this weekend, it will be okay to be with him exclusively for a while.  If he wants that.  If I do. But it would be nice to have a solution for my loneliness.

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