One Tough Cookie

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I am going to get through this.  I just need to keep telling myself this over and over again. I’m making the right decisions in spite of myself, but it’s hard to see what I’m doing right through the pain that I’m in right now.

The pain is normal.  If I left my husband of 17 years and didn’t feel sad about it, it would be rather inhuman. But it’s hard because I want an end date on the pain. I want to know when it will be better, instead of just sitting here like an idiot and crying off and on for days.

Here’s what’s tough for me:

  1. I’m “alone” in a foreign country, without my family nearby. That’s probably the hardest for me, because when I compare myself to other divorced/separated friends, I don’t have a lot of people in my network. I was too wrapped up in my relationship for too long and don’t have a large group of friends.  But I have good people around me, and I manage to choose people who do me good.  I just don’t have a network yet.
  2. I still like my husband a lot, even though I saw him last week and he’s making no effort to win me back.  It’s all about his problems and his pain.  I don’t exist in all that. When I’m not around him, I want him to be there for me and cry in his arms.  Then I see him, and that’s not an option.
  3. I’m (at the moment) way too attached to my ex-cop, who wants no more than what we have together. It might just become so painful that I can’t keep seeing him, which would be a pity. I think that we could have something very nice over the long haul, with friendship and respect. I just need to be calm, and patient.  I don’t need him to be exclusive with me. He can see who he wants.  I just would like very much to have a bit more of his time and attention.  It would be the easy solution. It’s just not an option.
  4. Mr. Wonderful no longer wants to “see” me (have sex with me) but he wants us to be able to talk and climb together. The rejection is not at all what I need right now. I don’t think, long term, that it would work with him. He doesn’t listen enough.  He doesn’t really want to get to know me since he’s sort of wrapped up in his own mythology of himself. But he’s also beloved by his friends, which is a good sign that he’s a worthwhile person.  One thing, however, that I really don’t like about him is one of his ex-es, a woman I know.  She exudes fragility, and I can’t believe he’d date her not knowing what he wanted from her. That borders on cruelty.

I also had two unsuccessful dates this weekend.  Sometimes the photos you see and the chatting doesn’t represent the person at all.  Both were unsuccessful because the men are not smart enough for me, or that’s to say that I can’t learn anything from them or grow because of them. (I guess that’s what I like with my ex-cop.  I can learn things from him, since he spent so many years seeing the worst of humanity.)

This all leaves me my vertically challenged friend.  He’s so calm, so quiet that I don’t know what he’s thinking.  But for whatever reason, he’s totally into me, which is non-negligible.

And I don’t really know what I want. I think I’m done with sex for its own sake, but I’m far from ready for a relationship either.  And I keep crying off and on, and have been for four days.  Partially I’m just tired, partially I’m confused and don’t what I want, but a lot of it is just an unidentified pain that I don’t know what to do about.

I feel, instinctively, that I need to let myself go into it, and let myself cry.  I need to cry it all out. I hope I’ll dry up at some point.  That’s what I have to assume, because I’m going to get through this.  I’m one tough cookie.

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