Spent most of my free time since Tuesday night crying (it’s Thursday now). Partially it’s just tiredness, but also not being very sure of what I’ve done, and what I should be doing next.
My weekend was full of sex, more sex than I even wanted, and it was good in some ways because I think I’m caught up. I think I could say no now, and not just sleep with someone because the opportunity is there. Maybe.
But it was hurtful, too, because I want my lovers to be interested in me, as well as the sex. I’m interested in them because I want to know about the people I allow in my bed. And either they assume lots of things about me and don’t care to fill in the details, or they just don’t care.
My ex-cop was there for me, though, again. We hung out a bit last night because I think I would have offed myself at home. He was transporting his youngest to a hockey match, so we ate together. I watched the first third of the match with him and went home. It helped. I still cried, but less.
I wrote him a note to thank him, saying that I’m confused and don’t know what I want anymore. I’m sure I don’t want to be in a situation like I was in with my husband. I don’t want to take care of someone who won’t take care of themselves.
I don’t want to be taken for granted, or forgotten in someone else’s stress. It’s not that I wouldn’t be there for someone, but I’d need them to be there for me, too.
And my ex-cop said nice little nothings and excused himself for not being available for more. But I don’t need more from him. At least that’s my guess at the moment. He has a life which would not fit mine; he works in the summer when I have vacation, and doesn’t want to use my other work breaks to hang out with me. And I don’t ever want someone to change something they want to do for me, because I don’t want them to ask the same thing of me.
So my confusion remains. What did I do in leaving my husband? I have some answers. I know that in leaving him I’ve given myself the chance to maybe find someone to grow old with; because of our age difference, statistically speaking that’s not possible. I’ve given myself the opportunity to construct my own life in my adopted country. I’ve given myself the opportunity to learn, and grow, and become stronger. And the reverse of the medal is that sometimes I will spend a few days crying, and not know what I need to do to feel better.