I just wanted to try it. I have had one night stands before, when I was in my 20’s. A couple of times, I guess: a guy met at a party, in a bar. But it’s been a while, and the experiences were (obviously) not memorable.
I wanted to do it because 1) I felt like having sex 2) I wanted to see if I could, if it would be that easy (it was) 3) my husband made me mad (I told him it was easy to find just someone to have sex with and he made it seem like that was unbelievable. Hint: if a woman says it’s easy to have sex, it’s probably because she has some experience in the subject) 4) I haven’t seen Eric since June, and I’ve been getting too attached to the ex-cop.
I’ve needed to get myself out of the temptation of believing that something might turn into some sort of relationship there. It could, but I need to be much more independent of him. The sex with my ex-cop has just been so lovely: inventive, caring, attentive, joyful. It’s easy to get attached to something so nice. In addition, he’s “been there” for me. He listens, he’s given me pep talks, he makes me feel like I’m not crazy for wanting sex in a relationship, he called me on my birthday and got me a small gift, he was the first person I talked to after seeing the cadaver last summer. Being an ex-cop, it was very helpful to have someone who’s seen dozens of cadavers put some perspective on it. A solid guy. Worth hanging onto, if he wants to be hung on to. He may not. But his goodness is really attractive.
So the juicy details of the sex last night are in order, or at least a few. I chatted with a guy on Bumble, an online app that’s Geo-referenced, and so easy to find local people. Found a guy, invited him over to the hotel near my parent’s house where I’m staying. We had a drink by the pool. He seemed okay, not scary, and like it might be fun. Triathlete (which I believe) pilot (which seemed unlikely, but no reason not to believe him).
I invited him up. As he shut the door, I said, “This is where you don’t turn into a psychopath” to which he laughed. And it was all good. Lots of foreplay. Good energy. The crappy thing is that the condoms kept breaking, and I finished him off orally, since I didn’t want him inside me. But I really want condoms on the whole time, beginning to end. That seems just sane. I had two orgasms.
I did feel weird after. I’m not used to this, and not so much of a hedonist as I might sound. I’d rather, at the moment, “date”.
There are three keepers from my recent forays into internet dating. I’d like to see what the ex-cop and I are like out of bed. I’ve met a climber on-line who just seems like we have a ton of things in common and appears to be a really fun person. He’s always doing things with his friends, and appears (on paper) to be a really good match for me. And the hunter, a guy who probably works to count and cull the wild animals in a region of my country (I think, I haven’t met him yet so it might be something different). He has undercurrents in his writing to me of someone completely natural, which is appealing.
All three I can learn things from. That’s what I want at the moment. I make fun of Wetback Will. He says he wants someone who will “make him grow”. But I want the same thing. I want people in my life who make me stretch, learn new things. With the ex-cop, I am learning non-attachment. I want the pleasure of being with him, but I don’t want to be attached to that pleasure.
And with my ONS last night, I feel much less dependent on him, and much more free in my head to let myself just enjoy his company, and maybe the company of others.