I hurt in ways that I never thought I could hurt before. I want things to go back to the way they were, when my husband made love to me, when I was happier. I haven’t been this unhappy before, or at least not in a long while. Before, things were done to me that made me unhappy. This time I’m the author of it all, and I’m older, afraid of winding up alone. With the age difference with my husband, I’d wind up alone anyway, so that’s the only consolation.
Here’s is physically how it feels: my stomach is empty and I can’t seem to want to eat. I’m under 54 kilos for 170cm, which is really thin. I want to cry a lot, mostly in the mornings. I can’t seem to see beautiful things around me. I’m terrified. I can’t see the good things that are happening, even though I plough through the day, making things happen that should eventually get me out of this mess.
Here are the good things: went on a beautiful hike yesterday. I will see my family and many friends tomorrow, back in the USA. My ex-cop is a friend and lover, even though I don’t think he’s in love with me. (That’s one of the things that hurts, I guess, but if he were in love, it would just be a band-aid for the other hurts). I have a great job and good hours. I’m able to buy an apartment in a beautiful place. (That’s another thing that’s scary, I don’t know a lot of people there. And I’m terrified of being alone). I have nice friends here. I’m healthy (or at least, I’m healthy as long as I don’t let this depression get the better of me).
It will all be OK, right?