I went to mass this morning. I only know the Catholic church because my step-father was Catholic. He was also a drug dealer, violent, and an all over asshole. So my relationship with organized religion is complicated, to say the least.
But where I’m doing my retreat, there’s a monastery. And there was a mass this morning, so I went. All you do when you are not religious is change the word “love” when the priest says “Jesus” and you get the same message. Let Jesus/love into your heart. Leave a place for Jesus/love in your life. Let Jesus/love forgive your sins.
And bingo, I got why I feel so bad. I can’t forgive myself for having sex outside of my marriage. It is unforgivable in many places of the world. I mean, I risk being stoned to death in the Middle East, or ostracized in many conservative communities. If my mother wasn’t married to a drug dealer, she’d be very disappointed in me.
But I need to start working on forgiveness. I need to forgive my husband for not loving me like he used to. I need to forgive Eric and the ex-cop for not falling in love with me (I mean, that wasn’t part of the deal). But the most important and the hardest to do is forgiving myself. Allowing myself to be human, weak, not up to par.