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There are days when you don’t know what to do with yourself.  There are days that you just want some man to make you feel better, even if it’s only for an hour. When you want much much more than a caress. You want re-vindication.  Power.  Control.  (Happiness seems like too much to ask for at the moment, and I’ve spent so many weeks now feeling terrible).

And I need to stop looking for a man to do this.  I need to be able to keep myself concentrated on work, get some stuff done for once, and stop worrying about guys.  It’s not any different than when I was a teenager.  I’m back in the same state, and I’m writing here, on the blog, to keep myself from writing to some guy, because I’m a good time girl, right?

The fact that my life is falling apart has nothing to do with them.  Or it does a bit, because the comparison between my husband’s body and the two younger men I’ve been with is irreversible.  I opened the can of worms.  And now I have to go to the end of the logical chain.  I cheated.  I hate lying.  My husband is folding in on himself.  We don’t make love anymore. I’m incredibly sad in my situation, and I don’t see a way out other than separating.  That’s the logical end.

I’ve looked into cars and chosen one to try out. A Dacia station wagon, that I can live in if necessary.  Looked into buying an apartment, a dream of mine for so long I can’t even remember.  And I can do it; I’ve got the money saved.  There’s hope….

I changed the icon on WhatsApp to a flower: Belladonna. It’s more beautiful and I’m less poisonous, but it’s the thought that counts.

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