These new social/dating sites are rather overwhelming. To begin with, I was actually using this one, Gleeden, for what it was intended for: infidelity. Heterosexual infidelity. A woman wanting a man.
I’ve talked to the few men I’ve met about what they find on Gleeden, and there are apparently a fair amount of prostitutes, and whole batch of bisexual women looking for other women. I guess this is because it’s free for women but men have to pay.
So I was on-line with a profile that said, more or less, that I wanted sex without attachments, and it became a feeding frenzy. I eliminated the ones who were too young (I set that at early forties, but I really wanted someone my own age), those who couldn’t spell, and tried to find someone who wasn’t married. Why? Because I was already going to do something that would hurt my husband, but I didn’t necessarily want to hurt some woman I’d never met before.
Each step was not a step, in my head. Excuses. I’m just answering a message. I’m just joining a chat. I’m just meeting for coffee. And then with E, I’m just meeting him in a hotel room, rented for the afternoon. I can always turn back. But I didn’t want to.
I thought it would be difficult to take the step, but no. We fit. We please each other. I laughed the first time because he only brought two condoms and we needed more.
There are two things I remember: one is a sound like a waterfall rushing in my ears when we kissed. I don’t know if that was guilt, or because it had been so long that I’d kissed someone passionately; two is talking, after sex, him caressing my body and after a few minutes not being able to understand a word he said, lost in the caresses, lost in the next time.
I’d never, ever had sex without expectations or mitigating desires, without being in love or wanting to be loved. I didn’t want love. I don’t even really know if I like this guy. I’m smarter than him, for one. And his stories don’t make sense, saying one thing then contradicting himself later. I don’t know if he’s lying to protect himself or if he just does that. But as long as he shows up with enough condoms, I don’t really care.